Desire is Not a Dirty Word: Why Your Vision Needs Pleasure to Thrive

“None of it feels like mine.”

A client said something to me last week that stopped me in my tracks:

“I know what I’m supposed to want - the job title, the work-life balance, to be a good mum, a good leader, to keep it all together AND be grateful for it. But none of it feels like mine. And I honestly don’t know what I do want instead.”

She wasn’t stuck because she lacked ideas.

She was stuck because she’d spent her life being dutiful.

Ticking boxes. Staying grateful. Keeping things steady.

Making sure everyone else was OK.

And now, when asked to build a vision for her – her life, her career, her future – she felt blank. Numb. Brain-foggy.

I remember being asked that same question a few years ago, right after I was diagnosed with ADHD.

I’d sought coaching and therapy to process the rage and grief that came with finally understanding myself… and one of the first things my amazing coach asked me was:

“What do you want?”

And I had absolutely no idea.

Not because I didn’t care. Not because I didn’t have dreams.

But because I had spent so long doing what was expected, being responsible, and trying to hold it all together…

…that I had completely lost touch with what I actually wanted.

This is so common.

Especially for women who’ve been the reliable ones. The capable ones.

The fixers. The good girls. The “how do you do it all?” ones.

(The ones who worry about feeling like they’re martyrs.)

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But Am I Even Allowed to Want Something?

If desire feels impossible, you’re not broken. You’re well socialised.

You were likely taught to be grateful. To be nice. To be easy to work with.

To not need too much. Not take up space. Not ask for more than your fair share.

You were socialised to perform, to do things that others want, to completely ignore what you want.

So of course desire feels risky. Or shameful. Or like something you have to earn.

But here’s the truth:

You don’t need permission to want.

Wanting isn’t greedy. It’s human.

And you’re allowed to want more than just enough to get by.

Even in the most intimate places, our own bodies, we’ve been taught to deprioritise our desire, our pleasure.

Let’s look at the numbers:

In heterosexual sex, 95% of men report always or usually orgasming, compared to only 65% of women.

In more casual scenarios, that number drops to just 39% for women.

And yet:

The clitoris is the *only* human organ with the sole purpose of pleasure.

Let that sink in.

Women’s bodies are literally designed for pleasure.

And yet, we’ve been conditioned to ignore it, override it, or apologise for it.

Even in bed, the place most associated with pleasure, we’re taught to perform, not receive.

So yes, reclaiming your desire might feel edgy.

But it’s also deeply necessary.

This isn’t just about self-care.

It’s liberation.

Because when women stop apologising for what we want, and start building from it, everything changes.

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Desire vs Duty: The Real Disconnect

Desire gets squashed early.

It’s replaced with duty. Responsibility. Approval.

We become excellent at reading the room – but lose the ability to read ourselves.

We perform. We produce.

We lead from the neck up.

But deep down, many of us feel disconnected, uninspired, or low-key resentful.

The problem isn’t productivity.

It’s disconnection.

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You Don’t Need a New To-Do List. You Need a Turn-On.

Pleasure isn’t a luxury. It’s fuel.

Desire is not some frivolous little extra.

It’s not a reward for working hard or holding it all together.

It’s not the cherry on top – it’s the flame underneath.

When you reconnect with your desire, things shift.

Your voice gets clearer.

Your vision sharpens.

You stop striving for what looks impressive and start building what feels alive.

As Regena Thomashauer writes in her book Pussy: A Reclamation:

“Living one’s desire is an adventure like no other. There are no safety nets, no seat belts. In fact, when you plight your troth to your desires, you’re kind of asking for it. You’re grabbing the hand of the Great Pussy in the Sky and asking to be broken open. Asking to be remade. Asking for the current version of you to be shattered and reassembled into the woman you were born to become.”

That’s what this is about.

Being on purpose. With pleasure. With soul. With self-trust.

Becoming Unfuckwithable.

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This Week’s Pattern Interrupt: Desire over Duty – Vision-Led Action

If your vision feels foggy…

If your work feels uninspiring…

If you’ve forgotten what your yes even sounds like…

This week’s immersion is for you.

It’s called Desire over Duty – Vision-Led Action and it’s exactly that:

A radical permission slip to stop living from obligation and start leading from want.

We’ll explore:

• How to reclaim desire as a leadership tool (not a liability)

• Why pleasure, inspiration and fire matter more than polish

• What it looks like to build a self-authored vision rooted in what lights you up

This isn’t just a workshop.

It’s a pattern interrupt.

And it might just change everything.

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Ready to Crack the Nut? (Gently.)

If the idea of following your desire feels… indulgent, dangerous, or just plain confusing - you’re not broken. You’re on the path to deprogramming.

We’ve been taught that everyone else’s needs come first - always.

But honouring your desire isn’t selfish.

It’s so bloody necessary.

How else do we get inspired?

When you stop leading from resentment and start leading from resonance, everyone around you benefits.

Here’s how to start reconnecting with that spark:

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1. Notice the Shoulds

Catch yourself in the act.

“I should reply to that email tonight.”

“I should sign up for the thing that sounds useful but makes me want to cry.”

Pause. Ask: Do I want to?

If not - why not?

Desire begins with discernment.

Don’t “should” on yourself.

(I did a “should” this week and immediately regretted it. It was useful information - and now I know I won’t be repeating it.)

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2. Ask: What Would Feel Good Right Now?

Not productive. Not impressive. Not responsible.

Just… good.

Could be a walk. A stretch. A playlist that makes your hips move.

Could be saying no to the thing you dread and yes to the nap you need.

This is nervous-system-level vision work.

It doesn’t have to be big.

Savouring a cup of tea while standing in the garden might totally float your boat.

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3. Track Tiny Flickers of Turn-On

Start noticing what excites you - not (just) sexually, but energetically.

That post you saved.

That person who lights up a room.

That outfit that makes you feel like a whole new woman.

Watch out for those glimmers.

Pleasure is a breadcrumb trail back to yourself.

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4. Write a “Desire List” with Zero Consequences

List 10 things you want - no edits, no judgement, no practicality filter.

Big or small.

“Dance naked under a full moon” is as valid as “eat chocolate alone in a hotel.”

You don’t have to act on them.

Just wanting them is a reclamation.

How many can you write?

You don’t even have to really want them… just let yourself want.

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5. Get Your Hands on Pussy: A Reclamation

Seriously. If you haven’t read it, you need to.

It’s not a light read. But it’s utterly brilliant.

I’ve been harping on about it for weeks now.

It will challenge, ignite, and tenderly dismantle your inner Good Girl from a slightly different angle than my book 😊.

(And if you’ve read it before - read it again. This time with a notebook, a bold highlighter, and a commitment to do the exercises.)

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Most of all… Come to the Immersion.

Desire over Duty – Vision-Led Action

Friday 1 August · 12:00–13:30 BST (+ 30 min integration lounge)

Replay available

Duty is the cage you were handed.

Desire is the key you forge yourself.

Book your spot here.

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Mx

P.S. To the women planning to come to the immersion on Friday - don’t panic - it isn’t all about sex.

We’ll absolutely be talking about desire, but in the broadest, most empowering sense: what you want, what lights you up, what makes you feel alive. Yes, your body might be part of that conversation, but this is about reclaiming your inner compass, not comparing orgasms. Come as you are. Clothes on. Cameras optional.