How Men Can Be Allies in the Fight for Gender Equality

A Personal Story

How Men Can Be Allies in the Fight for Gender Equality: A Personal Story

At a recent social event, my partner James was asked a question that, on the surface, seemed harmless: “How do you cope with living with Michelle? She’s clearly a rampant feminist!” It was a typical joke, perhaps intended to amuse, but it revealed a deeper societal assumption - the idea that living with a feminist is something men must “cope” with. 

But James’ response was anything but defensive. He took the opportunity to reflect on how much he has learned, not only from living with me, but from working with the incredible women he coaches in his own practice. His journey has illuminated the importance of allyship - something he now takes seriously, both personally and professionally.

James’ response revealed a fundamental truth: for men to be true allies in the fight for gender equality, they must first understand the lived experiences of women. It’s not about ‘coping’ with feminism; it’s about engaging with it, learning from it, and taking action.

Me cuddling James - Picture by Alan Green

Learning by Living: A Personal Insight

James and I have had countless conversations over the years about my work, particularly around the concept of Good Girl Conditioning. He’s seen first-hand the societal pressures placed on women - to be polite, agreeable, perfect, and accommodating - and how these expectations limit women’s freedom and potential. What has struck him most is how these pressures manifest in ways that men often don’t even notice.

James often says, “I had no idea this is what it’s like to be a girl in the world.” That comment speaks volumes. Living with me, he’s become more aware of the subtle ways in which women’s contributions are dismissed or undervalued, even when they’re experts in their fields. He has seen how I, like so many other women, have had to fight to be heard, even in spaces where I should be leading the conversation.

This awareness has been a game-changer for him. He’s begun to notice how these same patterns show up in his own interactions, not only with me but with the women he coaches. It’s through these experiences that James has learned a key lesson: being an ally starts with listening - truly listening - to the women around you.

A Coach’s Perspective: Observing Workplace Inequality

As a coach, James works with both men and women, helping them navigate their professional lives. Over time, he began to see a stark contrast between how his female and male clients approach their work. Many of his female clients, despite being highly qualified, often second-guess themselves, over-prepare, and struggle with imposter syndrome. These women are incredibly competent, yet they feel the need to be perfect in order to be considered “good enough.” On the other hand, many of his male clients, with the same qualifications, often exude confidence and are comfortable stepping into leadership roles with far less self-doubt.

This disparity has made James acutely aware of how deeply ingrained societal expectations can shape women’s professional experiences. It’s not that women are less capable - far from it. Rather, the pressures to conform to perfectionism and be “good girls” weigh heavily on their ability to show up as their authentic selves.

James now actively encourages his female clients to challenge these internalised expectations. But he knows that allyship is more than just supporting women in his coaching sessions - it’s about advocating for them in spaces where they might not feel confident to speak up.

Taking Action: The Importance of Active Bystander Training

One of the most transformative steps James took on his journey to allyship was participating in active bystander training. This training equips people with the tools to intervene when they witness sexism, harassment, or discrimination. It taught him how to recognise when harmful behaviours were occurring and, most importantly, how to step in without escalating the situation or making it worse.

James shared with me how he now feels far more comfortable calling out inappropriate comments in both professional and social settings. Whether it’s a casual sexist remark at a dinner party or more overt discrimination in a work context, James no longer stays silent. He recognises that being an ally means speaking up, even when it’s uncomfortable.

Active bystander training gave him the confidence to act when needed. He has learned that allyship isn’t just about private support; it’s about publicly taking a stand against sexism and misogyny, whenever and wherever it appears.

Reflecting on the Role of Men in Gender Equality

For James, being an ally isn’t just about supporting me or the women in his coaching practice - it’s about reflecting on his own privileges and behaviours. He recognises that he benefits from a system that, whether intentionally or not, favours men. But rather than feeling defensive about this, he has embraced the opportunity to reflect and grow.

James often talks about how important it is for men to realise that being an ally doesn’t mean taking over the conversation or “rescuing” women. Instead, it means creating space for women’s voices to be heard, promoting their ideas, and ensuring that they have equal access to opportunities.

He also understands that allyship is a journey. It involves continuous learning, being open to feedback, and taking action. It means recognising where you have influence and using that influence to challenge the status quo. Whether it’s advocating for equal pay, supporting flexible work policies, or simply being more mindful of how women are treated in everyday interactions, men can play a powerful role in advancing gender equality.

The Path Forward for Male Allies

James’ story is a personal one, but it’s also a universal one. It’s a story of how men can grow into allies by listening, learning, and taking action. Through his experiences, he’s come to understand that gender equality isn’t just a women’s issue - it’s a human issue. By standing alongside women, men like James can help create a world where all genders are treated with the respect, dignity, and equality they deserve.

So, when someone asks how James “copes” with living with a feminist, the answer is simple: he doesn’t cope - he embraces it. He has learned that feminism is not about putting men down; it’s about lifting everyone up. And by being an ally, he’s helping to build a more just and equitable world, one small action at a time.

---

And What Else is Happening?

1. Good Girl Deprogramming Podcast

We’re back with episode 6 - Embracing Your Authentic Self with Dayna Byfield. 

Dayna is a Leadership Coach, Relationship Curator, Speaker, Polymath, and Founder, renowned for her dynamic approach to empowering leaders and teams. Drawing on a unique blend of human biology, behaviour, beliefs, intuition, dyslexic thinking, and lived experience, she fosters deep personal and professional growth. With her warm, infectious personality and playful communication style, Dayna is dedicated to uncovering the intricacies of the human experience to strengthen our relationships with ourselves and others, helping individuals achieve greater fulfilment and success.

Having overcome significant challenges in her early life, Dayna is committed to sharing the lessons she’s learned, inspiring others to transcend limitations and embrace their potential. Her leadership coaching and speaking engagements are complemented by her innovative collaborations in education, wellbeing, and lifestyle design. As a skilled relationship curator, she sparks influential partnerships, while her insights on human wiring, team dynamics, and leadership are sought after by businesses, media outlets, and brands worldwide.

We talk about:

• How early life experiences shape who we are today

• Understanding the three most significant relationships we have — with ourselves, work, and partners

• The importance of knowing your authentic self and aligning with your values

Here it is on YouTube. You'll find it on all the other podcasting platforms too!

 

2. WTF (Women Talking Facts)

Felice Ayling and I had our second Friday LinkedIn Live series called WTF - Women Talking Facts. You can watch it on the replay here.

We forgot to crown the cretin of the week. We will try harder next week. 

We’ll have another on Friday, Join us! (Connect with Felice or me on LinkedIn and keep an eye out for the link)

3. Does Your Organisation Have Plans for International Women’s Day?

International Women’s Day (IWD) is fast approaching, (well, it’s next year, but the shops are already full of Christmas stuff.. So I thought I’d get this message out today!) and it’s the perfect opportunity for your organisation to celebrate, support, and empower the women in your workforce. But beyond the celebrations, are you addressing the systemic barriers that women still face at work every day?

This IWD, why not go beyond the surface and take a deeper dive into what’s really holding women back? My talk, Good Girl Conditioning: How It Impacts Women at Work, is designed to do just that. Many women are conditioned from a young age to be accommodating, quiet, and “good” - traits that often conflict with the assertiveness and confidence needed to thrive in professional settings. This conditioning can lead to feelings of “imposter syndrome”, burnout, and women holding back from opportunities they deserve.

During the talk, I’ll share insights from my Good Girl Deprogramming work, exploring how these unconscious behaviours play out in the workplace and offering practical steps to dismantle them. Together, we can foster an inclusive, supportive environment where women feel empowered to lead authentically.

Book me for your IWD event to inspire meaningful change within your organisation - pop me a message or get in touch at michelle@workpirates.com.

Me speaking at Newcastle University - Image by Gavin Forster

That's all from me this week! Let me know what you think.

Take care,

Mx