Learning Not to Rescue

A Proud Moment in My Deprogramming Journey

This week, I was holding a Power Circle with a wonderful corporate client. At the start of our session, we each had to share something we were proud of.

Simple, right? Yet if you’ve ever been conditioned to be a “Good Girl,” you’ll know that even thinking about sharing pride can bring up a wave of discomfort.

“Good girls” don’t brag. We don’t boast. We don’t make others uncomfortable by shining too brightly. From an early age, we learn to downplay our achievements, deflect compliments, and apologise for our success, all for fear of being labelled arrogant, self-centred, or “too much.”

But pride is not arrogance. It’s acknowledgement. It’s saying: I see the work I’ve done, and I’m proud of how far I’ve come.

So this week, I decided to walk my talk. I shared something I’m genuinely proud of - something that represents real deprogramming in action.

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The Rescuer: A Classic Good Girl Role

For as long as I can remember, I’ve had a deep, almost instinctive urge to help, fix, and rescue.

If someone was struggling, I’d jump in before they even had to ask. If there was tension in the air, I’d smooth it over. If something went wrong, I’d take responsibility. Because if everyone else was OK, I could feel OK.

It’s no wonder I became a psychologist - rescuing felt like my purpose. Helping was my identity.

But underneath the surface, rescuing wasn’t always altruism. It was conditioning.

“Good Girls” are raised to believe that love and approval are earned through self-sacrifice. That we must meet other people’s needs before our own. That our worth comes from being helpful, kind, and endlessly accommodating.

And when we internalise that, we start to mistake exhaustion for virtue. We wear our depletion as a badge of honour. We get addicted to being needed. Because being needed feels like belonging.

But rescuing isn’t the same as caring. In fact, rescuing often takes away other people’s agency. It says, I’ll fix this for you, instead of I trust you to find your way. It keeps both parties stuck in an unequal dynamic - one dependent, one over-responsible.

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Rescuing at Work: When Being Helpful Becomes Harmful

Good Girl rescuing doesn’t stop at home. It shows up everywhere. Especially in the workplace.

We see it when women volunteer for extra tasks “to help out,” even when their plates are already full.

We see it when managers rewrite a team member’s work rather than letting them learn.

We see it when we stay late to cover for someone, or cushion a difficult conversation to protect someone else’s feelings.

And because the workplace often rewards helpfulness (until it doesn’t), this pattern gets reinforced. Good Girls get praise for being dependable, collaborative, the team player who never complains.

But the cost? Burnout. Resentment. Invisible emotional labour.

We end up mothering our colleagues and managing our bosses’ emotions, all while neglecting our own needs.

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My Rise Above Experiment

When I set up Rise Above, my public programme, I wanted to create a space for connection and support. I set up a WhatsApp group so members could share experiences and insights with one another.

But here’s what I worried about: would I fall into old habits? Would I end up living in the chat, constantly responding, soothing, and supporting - effectively turning it into “Michelle’s 24-hour coaching hotline”?

So I wrote a clear boundary into the rules:

“This isn’t coaching-on-demand.

Michelle will pop in with encouragement, nudges, and the occasional spicy truth - but this space isn’t for 1:1 coaching or programme support requests. Use it for community, connection, and practice.”

And do you know what?

I’ve stuck to it.

I’ve resisted the urge to rescue. I’ve trusted the community to hold each other. I’ve encouraged the other members to practise that too - to notice when they’re tempted to jump in and fix, and instead to listen, witness, and support without taking over.

It’s been a revelation.

And I’m proud of that. Deeply, quietly, gloriously proud.

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The Emotional Load and the ‘Agony Aunt’ Trap

One of the biggest burdens of Good Girl Conditioning is the emotional load.

We’re not just managing our own feelings - we’re managing everyone else’s too. We absorb tension, anticipate needs, smooth over conflict, remember the birthdays, and check in when others go quiet.

It’s a beautiful quality in moderation. But when it becomes habitual, it turns us into unpaid therapists, mediators, and emotional caretakers - often for people who never asked for our help, and sometimes for people who don’t reciprocate.

If you notice that you’ve become the “agony aunt” in your relationships, here’s something to try:

• Pause before responding. Ask yourself, “Do they need me to fix this, or just to listen?”

• Get curious about your motivation. Are you helping because they’ve asked, or because you can’t bear their discomfort?

• Practise tolerating the pause. It’s OK if someone else sits in uncertainty, sadness, or frustration. You don’t have to rescue them from it.

Letting go of rescuing isn’t cold or uncaring - it’s respectful. It’s trusting others to handle their own growth.

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Being Proud (Without Apology)

When it was my turn in the Power Circle, I shared:

“I’m proud that I’ve stopped rescuing.”

And that might sound small, but it’s actually enormous.

Because every time I resist the urge to fix, I reclaim a bit of my own energy. I step out of the role I was conditioned to play and step into one that’s grounded in equality, trust, and authenticity.

This is what deprogramming looks like in real life. Not grand gestures or dramatic breakthroughs, but a thousand tiny choices to do things differently.

To let go of over-functioning.

To tolerate being misunderstood.

To believe that my worth isn’t tied to how much I do for others.

Pride doesn’t have to mean arrogance.

It can mean peace.

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Reflection: Spotting Your Inner Rescuer

If this resonates, try reflecting on these questions:

1. Where do you feel responsible for fixing things that aren’t yours to fix?

2. What emotions come up when you don’t step in to help? (Guilt? Anxiety? Fear of rejection?)

3. What would it look like to trust others - colleagues, friends, family - to take ownership of their own challenges?

Every time you resist rescuing, you make space for someone else’s growth and your own rest.

So yes - I’m proud of that. And I’m learning that it’s OK to say it out loud.

Because when one woman speaks her pride without apology, she gives permission for others to do the same.

Mx

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